Be Thou My Vision

Today's blog post is about one of my favorite worship songs, Be Thou My Vision.

In the very first verse, the song goes "Thou my best thought, by day or by night."

This weekend I was in Marion, IN on fall retreat with Campus Crusade for Christ. As the Lord is wont to do, He put a few things on my heart this weekend, but I figure not much more than He usually does.

It's important to know that just because you don't have a huge revelation or breakthrough at a fall retreat, doesn't mean that the weekend was a bust. It was a really lovely weekend that involved getting a break from school, making new relationships and strengthening a few that I have already made here.

A part of this weekend was something called Jesus Time, which is basically one on one prayer. I will admit that there are a few important things that I was thinking about this weekend that I really hoped that God would show me answers to. None of those things came to mind as I came to prayer during my time "alone" with Him that day.

"Thou my best thought, my day or by night."

I really came to appreciate this line in the song this weekend. Thou my best thought.

Sometimes I think anxious things.  Sometimes I think prideful things. Mean things. Unfortunately I'm not always above judging my neighbor.

But Jesus is my best thought. It's a simple as that. There's no analyzing, no footnotes, nothing else to explain. Our minds are at our best state when they are focused on Jesus, and let Him be our vision.

Sphinx Smack Down

I just read this poem for my humanities class, and it immediately got under my skin.

Myth by Muriel Rukeyeser 

Long afterward, Oedipus, old and blinded, walked the

roads. He smelled a familiar smell. It was
the Sphinx. Oedipus said, 'I want to ask one question.
Why didn't I recognize my mother?' 'You gave the
wrong answer,' said the Sphinx. 'But that was what
made everything possible,' said Oedipus. 'No,' she said.
'When I asked, What walks on four legs in the morning,
two at noon, and three in the evening, you answered,
Man. You didn't say anything about woman.'
'When you say Man,' said Oedipus, 'you include women
too. Everyone knows that.' She said, 'That's what
you think.' 

In order to understand the poem deeper, you have to know the story of Oedpius Rex. Without giving too many spoilers (trust me, you don't want to know anyway), Oedipus is a hero who defeated the Sphinx by solving her riddle, the one referenced above. Because Oedipus lives, and because of complicated plot points that are Grecian plays, he ends up King, but also ends up being married to his mother. ( I told you, you didn't want to know!) Of course this ends up having dire consequences, ending with an incident including a sharp broach and Oedipus' eyes, so in this Oedipus goes back to blame the Sphinx. TYPICAL.

But, as we see, Sphinx sticks it to him.

My first reaction to this poem is OH SNAP.

My second is, why the HECK have I never thought of that before?

I read Oedipus Rex my senior year of high school. I never once read that riddle and said, "hey, not cool. As many legs a man can have, a woman can have too." Like Oedipus, I read the word "mankind" as "people kind." When Oedipus suggests that is in fact, what he meant, the Sphinx calls him out.

"That's you think."

The important thing is, Oedipus is underestimating women. Women underestimate themselves.  Everyday, we let men give us the fine privilege of being included in the term "mankind." It reminds me of a lyric from one of my old favorite bands, Superchick: "If every girl could see her beauty, we would be an army."

Plus, I mainly love this poem because it suggests that Oedipus was actually outsmarted by the Sphinx, rather than he outsmarting her. It's just one more thing that Oedipus was blind about in his quest for glory, and makes it a better story all around.


Anyway, I think this could spark an interesting discussion. What kind of thoughts first spring into your mind when you read this poem?

Recent Thoughts

Once upon a time, in a state of mind far, far away, young Haley Hope had dreams of becoming a Broadway star.

Well perhaps not a Broadway star. Certainly a Musical Theatre major. Because I was THAT kid, the kid whose biggest dreams always involved college.

But after a while, I didn't get picked for this or that, and the little injustices I felt inside added up little by little, culminating into a big fat, "I could NEVER spend my life on something that made me so dang MAD all the time."

And so what do I do instead? I picked a journalism major. Something I thought made me passionate, not angry. But it's really not passion that dragged me out of my bed to write this post at 1:30 in the morning. I'll admit it. I'm angry.

Maybe because I'm pursuing a career that most likely will not exist when I'm out of college. Maybe I'm angry, even more so, because of the way it's dying. The way that an unbiased view of things is not only tossed out the window, but discouraged. If I haven't quite processed my opinion on tonight's verdict on George Zimmerman, does that make me a bad journalist? Even worse, a SLOW journalist? Is what I write on the matter a few days from now worthless, even though it was written with more rational thought and sensitivity?

I'm so interested and intrigued by everyone's thoughts and opinions and where they are coming from and what they think needs to be done. But at the exact same time I'm burnt out and sad, and my heart feels heavy. I don't know if any of these feelings I have can chunk together to help me get somewhere. I can't help but wonder if I'm back to square one.

Journalism should be a bridge to understanding. It's the effort one makes to reveal another person's story. And on a deeper level, protect it. To make sure for all intents and purposes that someone else is represented truthfully and for what they are. That we all see each other in a clearer light, and hopefully it brings unity. But maybe that's my definition of the thing. Talk about a state of mind far, far away.

My Story

My name is Haley Gillilan, and this is my story.

I have been going to Lakeland Community Church for as long as I can remember. I am one of the few who has had the pleasure of going to Sunday School on a tablecloth on the floor of a movie theater.  I was itty bitty then, and my favorite thing to do, alongside Ryan McCrary, was climb under the movie seats after service and dig for spare change. That is disgusting to think about now, but we loved it. We would always come up with an unusual amount and spend it in the sticker machines in the lobby. After all these years, I learned that Ryan’s grandpa had actually put money under there for us to find.  In my experience, community is like that: it always snuck up on me in times where I least expected it. Times where I thought I could do something by myself, but in reality, the community –  God through them –  has been lifting me up the entire time. 

I have had almost the exact same group of girls by my side all through elementary, middle and high school.  I’ve babysat children, served at the coffee bar, and attended youth group for the better part of my life.  I have been brought up on Surrender, Together, Love. This church has raised me. As someone who has seen the church go from its restaurant days, to its movie theater days, to finally this beautiful church building, I will be the first to say that this church is not just a place. It’s Sue Swick who hemmed my prom dress.  It’s everyone who came to see my shows while I swayed in the back for 6 years, and were there when I was front and center. It’s Jason Lahey who taught me to play guitar. It’s Julie Theismann and Michelle Bledsoe who led my small group.  It’s Megan Hunter who helped me shop for my college audition outfit. Most of these things didn’t even happen in this building, but they happened because of this church. Through community, God shows Himself to me more clearly than any other time. The community has shown up for me, time and time again, even when I may have not deserved it. One particular story we explored in my small group with Julie is the book of Hosea. It tells the story of a prophet who was called by God to marry a prostitute. The whole thing is a parable for God’s relationship with Israel, and how just as Hosea married a woman he knew would be unfaithful to him, God knew that he was loving on a people who would not always love him back. As we talked about the story deeper, the girls and I realized how much of a choice that love really is. Being a community is not easy one hundred percent of the time. There are times where I have been ungrateful. Times I’ve been dishonest. Times I didn’t show up for someone else when they needed me. But I have learned that with each new day we can make a choice to engage and let the community show us a love that God is desperate for us to experience.

Our God is an active God. He is constantly calling us to go outside of ourselves and to show love to others the same way that He shows love to us.  My choir teacher once said, “The more sensitive you become to things that are beautiful, the less likely you are to take beautiful things away from someone.” The deeper I immerse myself in community, and the deeper I immerse myself in my relationship with God, I find a greater desire to make sure everyone around me is experiencing what I have. 

Two days ago I graduated from high school.  So this fall, for the first time in 14 years, I will be going to a church that isn’t Lakeland. I’ll be in a new place where I don’t know anybody, and I’ll have to build my community from scratch.  This is actually what I am most excited about!  Based on my experience here, I know I will be able to recognize community and build it wherever I go.  And there I know God will keep loving on me.

My name is Haley Gillilan, and this is my story. 

Not Cool, Robert Frost!

About 8 months ago, I was visited by God in a form of the website iwastesomuchtime.com. I will not waste precious space dwelling on the irony of this. This artwork launched my journey into discovering joy.

FIRST OF ALL. I am not a big decision maker or risk taker. I seriously hate it. In fact, when I read this poem, the first thing I think of is "What the heck am I doing in the woods in the first place? Can't I just turn around and go home?." But that's not one of the options, and such is the way of life. 

8 months ago, I was really struggling with the huge decision that is college. Do I go to a wonderful, familiar school that is close to home? Or do I go to a wonderful, really scary and new school that's far away from home? From the second I saw this illustration, it has stuck with me. 

So many people see the line "and I-I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference" as a line that encourages branching out, doing something different than the norm, sticking it the man and saying, it scared the crap out of me, but I went and did my own thing. It blew my mind to realize that this wasn't what   Mr. Frost was saying.

Earlier in the poem, Frost writes that both paths looked just fine. Both worn, both appealing, both accessible to him. In fact, he wishes that he could "keep the first for another day," but he knows in his heart he can only pick one and never look back. So it is true, Frost decides to take the second path, but does it really matter? Did it really make all the difference? Nah. 

The point is NOT that you choose the "perfect" path. It's you choose A path, and be done with it! Just decide! The trick is to not look back. If Frost had decided to turn back and find the other path, he would probably just end up getting lost. Or maybe that's just me. I'm terrible with direction. 

You cannot, under any circumstance, mourn that other path. It's the only way that this illustration above can pan out the way it does. Both being full and beautiful lives, even though one version of the guy goes to Brazil and the other version decides to go to college. 

You may have seen this video by Kid President. The whole video is worth watching, but he starts talking about the poem at 0:43

Kid President would like to be on the path that leads to "awesome," even though it hurt. (ROCKS! GLASS! THORNS!) The only way you can be on the path to awesome if it's the ONLY path you're on. Don't worry about it hurting, it was going to do that either way. 

Ok, so how does joy fit into this? 

Back in December, Garrett Lahey from Lakeland Community Church did a sermon about joy. Long sermon, short, Garrett preached that Joy is defiant. It's our refusal to miss out on God. So things aren't going the way you thought? Who ever told you that your perspective on the situation was better? Joy doesn't care you messed up yesterday. Or the day before that. Today is another day to declare a hope. 

I think joy and Robert Frost connect here. Road Not Taken is all about take either road, just don't harp on the one you could have taken. That's what Garrett was saying about joy, I think. It's about a deep everlasting contentment that your life is right on track, because God is in control. There's no sense in fear of missing out, there's no sense of being bogged down by yesterday. Lean in, go with the flow. True joy cannot be manufactured. 

One of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books comes from Leo Tolstoy in Anna Karenina. The character thinking this has just lost his father, but his wife is having a baby. 

“But that had been grief--this was joy. Yet that grief and this joy were alike outside all the ordinary conditions of life; they were loopholes, as it were, in that ordinary life through which there came glimpses of something sublime. And in the contemplation of this sublime something the soul was exalted to inconceivable heights of which it had before had no conception, while reason lagged behind, unable to keep up with it.”

I can't follow that. It gets more beautiful each time I read it. Grief and joy are loopholes in the human existence. Two sides of the same coin. Sublime. Beyond reason. It exalts the soul. How can two things seemingly so far away from each other be lumped together as such? 

They both are a calling to sacrifice control. Where there is control, joy and grief cannot exist. It seems that in the case of grief, control is ripped from us. We lose a loved one. We lose our jobs. We watch a friend destroy themselves. It feels like our heart is being ripped from our chest. But it is not intentional, not wished on our worst enemy. 

Joy is where we say "Hey, God. Here is my control. It feels like I just ripped my own heart from my own chest, but give me eyes to see from Your perspective. I want to see what happens when I open myself up to Your desire to show me a sublime something." Joy requires patience. It requires hope. It requires peace, trust, love, risk, self-worth. 

According Merriam-Webster, happiness is a  STATE of well being. JOY is the EMOTION EVOKED by well being and the EXPRESSION of such emotion. 

Joy is a lot more active than happiness. It's a lot harder than happiness. It's a choice. (much like love, but shh)  But it's also way more everlasting than happiness. . Choose to feel content even though things haven't gone according to plan. Take a plan B. Fully commit to it. I'm not the first to say that things often turn out better than expected when you do this. People always say "do what makes you happy." What if you "let this make you joyful?" 

SO. Be joyful today! Read some Robert Frost and Leo Tolstoy! Watch some Kid President! I will be starting at the scary, far away school in the fall, and I am excited/anxious to see what kind of joy the Lord has in store for me. Goodness knows SOMEBODY has to lead me through the woods.